We'll Be Okay

I don't get what the hell this is about.  I can't even cry!!  I want to cry.  HARD.  A long, hard, curled up, pathetic, ugly kind of cry.  I feel like if I could just cry I could release all the pain that is built up in my back, stomach and chest and in my throat and ears and behind my eyes.  I'm not sure why I would think that a good long cry would solve the problem though.  I've cried like that before and it didn't bring him back or bring us together or even make him love me for that matter.

It's been 10 days now.  Is it pathetic that I know that?  That I'm counting?  lol  Never-mind, I already know... but I can't help it.  I think about him everyday.  I think about what I should do.  I think about what he could be doing.  I think about if I'm forgotten already.  I think about if he's hurting too and I'm just being selfish.  I think about what our baby's life is going to be like with or without him.  Mostly I think about whether or not I should just go away and disappear from his life.  I don't think he'd even notice!  If he did I believe he'd be relieved.  I think it's what he wants.  For me and this baby to just disappear.  I don't know if I should fight and if so I certainly don't know how.  I mean honestly, I feel like I've already lost.  I lost him.  I lost my dreams.  I lost my love.  All because the strip turned pink?  No this isn't right.  I couldn't have been this far off the mark.  I couldn't have been this blind... to go 7 years believing in nothing?  I mean... is that possible?  I guess.  Life goes on, right?  I just have to pick up my pieces and move on.  I have to focus on my children and let the rest fall to the wayside.

I will give him what he wants.  I will sever ties.  I have to be strong.  I can do this.  This is MY baby, MY blood, MY seed.  That is undeniable.  And so that is how I will proceed.  When I turn the phone back on I will change the number.  I will move forward as if he never was.  I will not contact him for anything.  I will not ask him for support.  I know that's what he wants and I will honor that.  We'll be okay.