I'm BAAAAACK!!

Pretty sure I don't have anyone reading this blog yet, but one day I will! So, a summary of events to catch folks up from 9/2009 to 1/2013:

- Moved into an apartment I couldn't afford.
- Had a boyfriend who was very helpful around the house but ended up being another mouth to feed. :o(
- Was in intense DBT therapy for about 2 years trying to beat my depression.
- Tried, unsuccessfully, several different meds to help me pull out of the black hole.
- Started a business working from home doing customer service & tech support. (YEEEAH!)
- Fell into another low point & stopped working. The business still exists, but there's no income. :-(
- Lost my apartment February 2012 because I was upside down & couldn't keep up with the rent.
- Had to stay in a shelter with my daughters to get housing assistance and an apartment that I could afford.
- Got a new place, income based - July 2012!!
- CT is involved with Ja sometimes & Ren hardly ever. The state took him to court so now they take regular child support directly from his checks. Which is not a replacement for him being a father figure, but it helps me make ends meet.


Sadly, that pretty much sums up the last few years. It's been rough to say the least! I've struggled and hurt and been in situations I never imagined having to be in and survived. So, this year, 2013, I'm back!! I believe I've found a way & with GOD's support, I'll reach my goals!

Inspiration For The Day

Today I saw a quote that truly inspired me.  I think I want it to be my motto from now on...

Pain is temporary.

Pride is forever.

I need to remember that the things I go through are just temporary setbacks, but the Pride that I'll feel for persevering and succeeding will be something I can cherish for the rest of my life and pass on to my children and grandchidren. Now I need to design a poster with this quote and find a prominant place in my home to display it.

Keep pushin' ya'll... there's so much more life to live and fabulous adventures yet to come!

Setbacks, Hurdles & Roadblocks. All My Own

I am not at all where I want to be.  I am no closer today than I was yesterday or even 6 months ago.  Actually, I would venture to say I'm farther behind! My house is still a mess.  I still allow CT to affect me.  I'm still broke and on welfare.  But NOW, pleasantly enough I also am no longer in school and need to find a new place to live.

I am going to try and spin this positively because I know that a lot of times my problems are blessings in disguise.  I am better than what I am doing right now and perhaps this current discomfort will help me light a bigger fire within that will enable me to prosper.  Maybe it will be what helps me to jump start my battery and fight this depression I've fallen into.

For anyone who hasn't really experienced it - Depression SUCKS.  It's like my mind, body and emotions are all separate entities working against each other.  In the midst of all the hustle and bustle (or lack thereof) is a thick murky fog.  I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing sometimes, other times I cannot focus on what I am trying to do.  The majority of the time I don't have the energy to even try.  I started meds a month or two ago but they certainly aren't miracle pills!  I also started seeing a therapist again.  That's been helpful.  Not sure if I would've been able to work through this mess without her help.  She tells me every week, "Depression is a heavy weight fight.  It's long and its hard, but you have to fight to win."

I know she's right and I am fighting but I also realize I'm not yet fighting hard enough.  I need to step it up a bit mentally.  I need to shift my paradigm.  I need to look at these setbacks, hurdles and roadblocks as lessons and opportunities.  I need to focus on positives!  I need to find 3 positive things about my day, everyday.  It can't hurt, right? :)

Today's Positives:

1. Once I got out of bed, I stayed out of bed.
2. I cooked all our meals today instead of eating out.
3. I gave my girls baths so they're clean and fresh for daycare tomorrow.
4. I blogged! (Lookit there! I found 4! lol)
   

Clearing Clutter & Chaos

I have gotten terribly behind in my housework! There's crap everywhere -- from corner to corner there are piles and stacks and just MESS! I am frustrated becuase there's so many things I want and need to do but I just can't get focused or accomplish anything because I constantly feel guilty about all the clutter everywhere and my house not being clean. Not to mention how inefficiently I run my home because of how unorganized I am! Right now I cannot sleep because my mind is racing about all that needs to be done and how much better/easier those things would be with a clean and well organized home. I am also starting to see a pattern in the clutter and chaos in my home and the clutter and chaos in my mind and emotions!

We have inspections Wednesday and I HAVE to get this apartment at least picked up for that, so tomorrow I'm going to spend the day cleaning and decluttering. I hope to accomplish a two-fold goal to reduce or eliminate the clutter, chaos and stress of both my home and my mind. Wish me luck!

My Growing Gems

My babies are growing too fast... Reni is talking clearer every day and while she's not getting a lot of height to herself, she's certainly becoming quite the little lady! Ja is getting LONG. She's only 5 months and already she's almost to tall for her bassinet and trying to drink from my cups!

I just finished peeking in on each of them and giving them their goodnight kisses before I go to sleep. As I was doing so, I got a huge wave of pride over me. I am on welfare, in school and volunteering and I don't have the help or support of either of their fathers, yet my babies don't want for anything! GOD has blessed us so completely! We have more clothes than I can keep up with washing, my girls have toys that are still in the box from Christmas, we have cupboards full of food and besides the girls' diarreah and constipation issues, they are perfectly healthy and strikingly beautiful. I am SO proud.

Some days I feel like the stress is too much to bear and I wonder if all the struggling is really worth it but then I look into their big curious, happy and sparkling eyes and I remember that it's more than woth it. My babies deserve nothing but the best which demands that I be the best that I can be and put forth my 200%.

My gems are growing fast and I'm loving every minute if it. I can't wait until me and my girls are hanging out on the beach at some 5 star resort in the Islands somewhere!