No Place For Me
I spoke to CT today for the first time in 2 weeks. He left a message at my Mom's and asked her to have me call him. When we started the conversation it was exactly as I expected. He lost my GrandCentral number but has been trying to call, etc. He then proceeds to tell me about how he found out his daughter's mother is on drugs and nobody's heard from her in 3 days and she just left her older two daughters and he had to put them on a plane back to Chicago to go live with their father. For an he told me how worried he is about her and everything he's gone through to try and find her. He told me he cried about her today. I did my job. I listened and I was supportive but I was crushed.
My heart can't handle this. He loves her. Not just as the mother of his child - he is IN LOVE with her. I can hear it in his voice. And I feel bad that he's hurting but I am SOO angry. She has a key to his apartment. In the 7 years we've been seeing each other he won't so much as leave me alone in his apartment while he takes out the trash, let alone a key. If he doesn't hear from me for weeks he is unfazed. If he doesn't talk to her in a day he is frantic. I know that's the mother of his child but I cannot tell you how many times he's told me that he wants to marry me. He looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me, is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm a stupid woman for believing him all these years. For waiting and trying and sacrificing. I've been foolish. And now I'm about to have his baby. What am I going to do with these feelings? Where am I supposed to put my hurt? There's no place for me in his life and that is devastating.
He didn't ask how me or the baby have been in the last two weeks. It's always like this with him. There's always something more important going on. "I know that you are pregnant with my baby and need my love and support and would even settle for me going to an occasional doctor's appointment but my daughter's mother is on crack and while my daughter is safe and sound right here with me, I'm completely stressed out about it and don't have time for you." I give up. I will just do this on my own like I already said. I'm sending all his calls to voicemail and I'm not calling him back. I'm tired of being rejected and pushed aside. I'm tired of learning new details that reveal how little he cares about me. I'm tired of not having a place.