No Place For Me

I spoke to CT today for the first time in 2 weeks. He left a message at my Mom's and asked her to have me call him. When we started the conversation it was exactly as I expected. He lost my GrandCentral number but has been trying to call, etc. He then proceeds to tell me about how he found out his daughter's mother is on drugs and nobody's heard from her in 3 days and she just left her older two daughters and he had to put them on a plane back to Chicago to go live with their father. For an he told me how worried he is about her and everything he's gone through to try and find her. He told me he cried about her today. I did my job. I listened and I was supportive but I was crushed.

My heart can't handle this. He loves her. Not just as the mother of his child - he is IN LOVE with her. I can hear it in his voice. And I feel bad that he's hurting but I am SOO angry. She has a key to his apartment. In the 7 years we've been seeing each other he won't so much as leave me alone in his apartment while he takes out the trash, let alone a key. If he doesn't hear from me for weeks he is unfazed. If he doesn't talk to her in a day he is frantic. I know that's the mother of his child but I cannot tell you how many times he's told me that he wants to marry me. He looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me, is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm a stupid woman for believing him all these years. For waiting and trying and sacrificing. I've been foolish. And now I'm about to have his baby. What am I going to do with these feelings? Where am I supposed to put my hurt? There's no place for me in his life and that is devastating.

He didn't ask how me or the baby have been in the last two weeks. It's always like this with him. There's always something more important going on. "I know that you are pregnant with my baby and need my love and support and would even settle for me going to an occasional doctor's appointment but my daughter's mother is on crack and while my daughter is safe and sound right here with me, I'm completely stressed out about it and don't have time for you." I give up. I will just do this on my own like I already said. I'm sending all his calls to voicemail and I'm not calling him back. I'm tired of being rejected and pushed aside. I'm tired of learning new details that reveal how little he cares about me. I'm tired of not having a place.

We'll Be Okay

I don't get what the hell this is about.  I can't even cry!!  I want to cry.  HARD.  A long, hard, curled up, pathetic, ugly kind of cry.  I feel like if I could just cry I could release all the pain that is built up in my back, stomach and chest and in my throat and ears and behind my eyes.  I'm not sure why I would think that a good long cry would solve the problem though.  I've cried like that before and it didn't bring him back or bring us together or even make him love me for that matter.

It's been 10 days now.  Is it pathetic that I know that?  That I'm counting?  lol  Never-mind, I already know... but I can't help it.  I think about him everyday.  I think about what I should do.  I think about what he could be doing.  I think about if I'm forgotten already.  I think about if he's hurting too and I'm just being selfish.  I think about what our baby's life is going to be like with or without him.  Mostly I think about whether or not I should just go away and disappear from his life.  I don't think he'd even notice!  If he did I believe he'd be relieved.  I think it's what he wants.  For me and this baby to just disappear.  I don't know if I should fight and if so I certainly don't know how.  I mean honestly, I feel like I've already lost.  I lost him.  I lost my dreams.  I lost my love.  All because the strip turned pink?  No this isn't right.  I couldn't have been this far off the mark.  I couldn't have been this blind... to go 7 years believing in nothing?  I mean... is that possible?  I guess.  Life goes on, right?  I just have to pick up my pieces and move on.  I have to focus on my children and let the rest fall to the wayside.

I will give him what he wants.  I will sever ties.  I have to be strong.  I can do this.  This is MY baby, MY blood, MY seed.  That is undeniable.  And so that is how I will proceed.  When I turn the phone back on I will change the number.  I will move forward as if he never was.  I will not contact him for anything.  I will not ask him for support.  I know that's what he wants and I will honor that.  We'll be okay.     

Starting The Journey

I'm tired today but overall I had a pretty decent day. Had a touchbase with my coach and the program director. They finally approved my funds request for my application fee so I can get things moving to enroll in school. That only took a month! I'm truly grateful for the help the program provides but it can be extrememly frustrating sometimes too. Oh well - enough complaining. Bottom line - the request was approved! Now to get all my ducks in a row... enroll in school, plan a schedule for myself and get down to business.

I have to get stable! I'm really tired of being broke. I miss having the money to get my hair and nails done, buy toiletries when they're needed and even to just get my car washed. This life of poverty is NOT the life for me. lol

Still no word from CT. I wonder if this is how things are going to be. I hope he doesn't think that he's going to ignore me all the while I'm pregnant then step in and play like he's the great wonderful and responsible Daddy. If that's his plan he can kiss my ass. The way I see it if he doesn't want to be bothered now, he can keep on keepin on and leave us be. I am SO angry at him for abandoning me like he has. I never expected this from him. It's so cold and mean. How can you treat someone you claim to love like this? Oh well... life goes on, right?

Ending A Perfectly Lonely Day

I'm so glad Valentine's Day is over.  I spent most of the day wondering what CT was doing and if he thought about me or our baby at all.  My phone is off (Qwest and I got into a fight and they won and in turn disconnected my shit) so if he tried I wouldn't know.  He has my GrandCentral number though and no message from him there.  Amazingly, it gets easier each day.  I still love him with all of me and I miss him more than I can explain.  I'm devastated.  I know we didn't plan this baby but I didn't expect him to be so cold and mean.  You'd think I got pregnant on a one night stand!  We've known each other 7 years - I don't deserve this.  I've been loyal.  I've been waiting.  I always just knew that we would get married in the end... but this seems to be the end and I don't hear the wedding bells.  I don't hear anything but his voice telling me that I'm weak and that what I thought we had all these years doesn't matter.  I can't believe he thinks so little of me!  I wish I'd known sooner - wish I'd paid attention - wish I'd walked away any number of the times he did.  Oh well - I've got to move on.   

Diva Ren made me a Valentine today!  I almost cried.  I love my baby girl.  She's so special and precious.  When she saw how proud I was she smiled up at me then gave me a big hug and kiss.  It's amazing how much we can communicate even though she doesn't really talk yet.  Those big bright eyes, that one tooth smile and even those huge crocodile tears tell me everything I need to know - exactly what she needs.  I'm worried about how she'll do with the new baby though.  She's the center of EVERYTHING right now!  I don't want her to lose her joy and happiness because she feels left out.  I guess I can only reassure, comfort and love her though.

Today's Gratitude:

Tonight I appreciate my daughter's love and happiness.  I am ever thankful for the roof over our heads and the food in our refrigerator.    I am grateful for the money that has come to catch me up on my bills and take care of my other financial matters.  Thank You!!