Clearing Clutter & Chaos

I have gotten terribly behind in my housework! There's crap everywhere -- from corner to corner there are piles and stacks and just MESS! I am frustrated becuase there's so many things I want and need to do but I just can't get focused or accomplish anything because I constantly feel guilty about all the clutter everywhere and my house not being clean. Not to mention how inefficiently I run my home because of how unorganized I am! Right now I cannot sleep because my mind is racing about all that needs to be done and how much better/easier those things would be with a clean and well organized home. I am also starting to see a pattern in the clutter and chaos in my home and the clutter and chaos in my mind and emotions!

We have inspections Wednesday and I HAVE to get this apartment at least picked up for that, so tomorrow I'm going to spend the day cleaning and decluttering. I hope to accomplish a two-fold goal to reduce or eliminate the clutter, chaos and stress of both my home and my mind. Wish me luck!

My Growing Gems

My babies are growing too fast... Reni is talking clearer every day and while she's not getting a lot of height to herself, she's certainly becoming quite the little lady! Ja is getting LONG. She's only 5 months and already she's almost to tall for her bassinet and trying to drink from my cups!

I just finished peeking in on each of them and giving them their goodnight kisses before I go to sleep. As I was doing so, I got a huge wave of pride over me. I am on welfare, in school and volunteering and I don't have the help or support of either of their fathers, yet my babies don't want for anything! GOD has blessed us so completely! We have more clothes than I can keep up with washing, my girls have toys that are still in the box from Christmas, we have cupboards full of food and besides the girls' diarreah and constipation issues, they are perfectly healthy and strikingly beautiful. I am SO proud.

Some days I feel like the stress is too much to bear and I wonder if all the struggling is really worth it but then I look into their big curious, happy and sparkling eyes and I remember that it's more than woth it. My babies deserve nothing but the best which demands that I be the best that I can be and put forth my 200%.

My gems are growing fast and I'm loving every minute if it. I can't wait until me and my girls are hanging out on the beach at some 5 star resort in the Islands somewhere!

Today's Temp: Negative Fuck You

It's like, 20 below in MN today.

It's so cold that all the positive, happy energy seems to be frozen in between the bare tree branches. But the hot ass negative forces are gliding right through & wreaking havoc. My brother has had major setbacks trying to leave for his tour and was hitting obstacle after obstacle. Both my girls have the hershey squirts - again - and my oldest broke my eyeglasses. Not a big deal except I'm BROKE and got that pair with Medical Assistance who doesn't give breakage protection... UGH!

But you know what, I've read The Secret and watched the movie and I happen to know that if I continue to complain and cry things today will get worse. So... I am going to count my blessings & be grateful for what is wonderful in my world right now, then I'm going to take a nap while my girls are sleeping and when I wake up, I will feel refreshed and energized and ready to accomplish some of my goals for my home. It'll be like I hit the reset button! :-)

With that... - I am grateful for a home to live in when the temp in MN is so fridgid. I am grateful to have a running car in case I need to go to the store and I am especially grateful that I have a heated garage to park it in! I am so very thankful for my beautiful baby girls, with their bright eyes and loving smiles to motivate me everyday! I am thankful for my old glasses to wear until I get the new ones fixed. I am also grateful for GOD becuase through him all things are possible which means I don't have to worry about a thing!

This Is Not A Drill!

This is not easy. Actually - it's pretty damn hard. I have a million things to do and very little time and energy. I'm always tired and I HATE that. When I'm tired my brain feels foggy and I can't focus. I lose track of time and don't get important things done.

Yet - I have this fire inside me for a better life. I want more for myself and even more than that for my girls. Every day I look at my vision board and I just KNOW that I'll get things under control soon. I KNOW I have it in me! My biggest problem is that this is soo slow going. I want instant gratification. I want to be able to say that I've achieved these goals right now and I know it'll take at least a year. But - this is the year. My year. Every year I say that I'm going to make changes and every year I've fallen short - but not in 2009. This is it - the real deal.

My new incantation for 2009 is the words of one of my favorite comedians - Money Mike, "This is NOT a drill!! This shit is real!!"

No Place For Me

I spoke to CT today for the first time in 2 weeks. He left a message at my Mom's and asked her to have me call him. When we started the conversation it was exactly as I expected. He lost my GrandCentral number but has been trying to call, etc. He then proceeds to tell me about how he found out his daughter's mother is on drugs and nobody's heard from her in 3 days and she just left her older two daughters and he had to put them on a plane back to Chicago to go live with their father. For an he told me how worried he is about her and everything he's gone through to try and find her. He told me he cried about her today. I did my job. I listened and I was supportive but I was crushed.

My heart can't handle this. He loves her. Not just as the mother of his child - he is IN LOVE with her. I can hear it in his voice. And I feel bad that he's hurting but I am SOO angry. She has a key to his apartment. In the 7 years we've been seeing each other he won't so much as leave me alone in his apartment while he takes out the trash, let alone a key. If he doesn't hear from me for weeks he is unfazed. If he doesn't talk to her in a day he is frantic. I know that's the mother of his child but I cannot tell you how many times he's told me that he wants to marry me. He looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me, is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm a stupid woman for believing him all these years. For waiting and trying and sacrificing. I've been foolish. And now I'm about to have his baby. What am I going to do with these feelings? Where am I supposed to put my hurt? There's no place for me in his life and that is devastating.

He didn't ask how me or the baby have been in the last two weeks. It's always like this with him. There's always something more important going on. "I know that you are pregnant with my baby and need my love and support and would even settle for me going to an occasional doctor's appointment but my daughter's mother is on crack and while my daughter is safe and sound right here with me, I'm completely stressed out about it and don't have time for you." I give up. I will just do this on my own like I already said. I'm sending all his calls to voicemail and I'm not calling him back. I'm tired of being rejected and pushed aside. I'm tired of learning new details that reveal how little he cares about me. I'm tired of not having a place.